Lovely Subscribers …

Lovely Subscribers …

Hello lovely readers. I really appreciate the organically growing community that is being created around my blog, its so great to connect with like minded people and feel like I’m adding Value.

This is a little note for my subscribers to let you know I have moved to my own domain. It has come to my attention that your subscription is to this site and didn’t automatically swap over to my new site. If you still want my posts delivered, click through to view this post in your browser and resubscribe in the footer of the home page, or in a post sidebar – I tried to make it relatively easy for you.

I won’t post on this site again and the redirect is in place, so I won’t be cluttering up your inbox from two places or with duplicate content.  Thanks so much and I hope to see you again.

 

The strength in our perceived weakness.

The strength in our perceived weakness.

The power of Vulnerability.

Wait up … Admitting you are Vulnerable, doesn’t that make you weak? Admitting your fears and inadequacy is opening yourself up for attack – Right? Protect yourself, be strong, no fear and all that. This is my historical standpoint.

I often see Vulnerability as a perceived state, something each individual sees as weakness in themselves, something they might feel reluctant to share for fear of judgement or ridicule, something that is uncomfortable to them. Vulnerability is a part of our truth. Perceived or real, each individual persons Vulnerability contributes to who they are, its a factor in what makes you authentic, a part of your unique truth.

I believe that sharing a vulnerability is Brave, without question, and isn’t being brave actually making you stronger, through facing your fear? Doesn’t standing uncomfortably in weakness teach you something?

The most prominent example of perceived weakness I can pull from my own life came about 10 years ago, from a gem of wisdom shared by my Mr. He came home to find me in tears, which was not unusual.’I just can’t do this anymore’ I said, ‘I need to see a doctor’ This admission devastated me, I was too weak to handle ‘it’ myself, I needed outside help, the darkness was winning, this would mean medication. So Mr. hugged me through the flood of Vulnerable tears and said …

“Admitting you need help is not weak, its Strong.”

This was such a revelation for me. Admittedly through the dark lens of Depression everything was tainted, but handling things myself was my standard operating system. What I saw as weakness he admired as strength? Bingo!

I notice that when I feel dissatisfied with the way I’ve worded something, someone thanks me for sharing the idea.When I face my discomfort and vulnerably speak from my heart other people recognise and relate to this. I think this is what Brene Brown calls having the Courage to be imperfect.

I quite comfortably accept imperfection in things I make but not so much in myself. I’m coming to consider that Vulnerability can be a friend, one that contributes to building community and authentic connections. What if we open ourselves to the acceptance of our imperfection and consider what opportunities Vulnerability actually presents for personal Growth and connection.

I want to add a little thanks here To my new friend and kindered Spirit Carolyn who inspired me to write this post. x

Closing the emotional door.

Closing the emotional door.

Perhaps closing my emotional door is something I don’t do hastily because I invest deeply when it comes to emotion. Loyalty and Trust are not things I give away without thought, and once I have given these to you, please know that you hold a considerable investment of mine.

However, once my emotional door closes on someone, it does so with ease. Its not even really a process that involves making a decision,  it just organically happens like a switch that is flicked once my limits are reached.

I have often put up with lengthy stretches of rubbish behaviour and insanely low levels of Respect in relationships because I had invested in someone; then suddenly self love will step up and slam that emotional door with force. “Out you go and make sure the door doesn’t hit you on the way!” Sometimes my door will be closed so firmly to you that if you came metaphorically knocking, It would be as if I wasn’t home.

That’s not to say I haven’t been swayed by such things as haughty promises and bargaining, I have given second chances, heck … maybe even some third chances … There have been times when someone wedged their foot in the door on the way out and were welcomed back in, but once the emotional door is closed to you, really closed, there is no coming back into the warmth. No amount of cajoling or promises of better behaviour will let you back in.

I still have an open door for people I haven’t seen or spoken to in years, they may not be present or active in my life but they still have my emotional investment. However, it occurs to me that, they may not even be aware that they are holding some of my precious emotional energy.

All this leads to a question that has been on my mind a lot lately. Can you consciously close your emotional door, or is it an organic process you have no say in?  Can I, go about like a debt collector, metaphorically knocking on your door asking you to give back what I once gave you, because I’d get a better return if I invested that emotion/energy elsewhere? Or is the closure of an emotional door simply a protective mechanism that kicks into action automatically at a particular point.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Yesterday

Yesterday

Yesterday I decided not to meditate. Everyone was already up, the energy of the house was busy, My Son was playing Keyboard and my mind was racing and distracted as I try to fathom something I’m mentally struggling with right now.

Navigating the school car park in the morning felt a bit more like it used to. An attention test that made me really quite anxious and on edge, not exactly like it used to, but I definitely noted an absence of grace in my dealings.

I came home and tried to work on the blog post I started the day before I still couldn’t make it convey what was in my mind, so I decided to just walk away from it and take a break.

I tried to listen to my Audio book,  but it just wasn’t the right energy …  I wasn’t in the right mood to soak it up. A bit irritable I guess. So I went to my Daughters playlist and selected Taylor Swift; who provided a soundtrack while I did the dishes and cleaned all the surfaces in the kitchen. It had been about a week since it last looked that tidy. Each time after that, when I walked into the space yesterday and saw the lovely uncluttered state, I felt quite Zen.

The light was beautiful yesterday and I’d thrown some past best, meat onto the Pavers before school, so I went and sat on the steps with my Camera and watched the hierarchy of birds snatch bits away, mostly it was all the usual Feathered characters but an Australian Raven came down for some too. It enchanted me.

My mind was leaving its circling of this perplexing thing that presents its self in the front of my mind at least once a week for the last several months. Some times another piece of the puzzle becomes clearer but mostly its just around and around with why, how and what. I’m questioning and examining a long held emotional truth.

Yesterday I was tired. Too much time in my head can wear me down and make me physically tired. I guess Sleep is the relief that busy mind seeks.

I groomed the dog.

I emptied the bins.

I had a nap.

Yesterday the sun was shining despite the cold.  I had a late, light lunch. I collected the children from School. I replied to emails, tracked parcels, paid bills and thought about baking. I waited for my new note book to be delivered, the one I would use as my Bullet Journal – its orange! My favourite colour. I prepared dinner and we ate it.

After Dinner We we talking about Summer Basket ball trials and the ages of my Daughters Team mates, Some are already in High school and the younger girls, mine included, start High school next year. My girl , was sitting on the couch with the Mr. and I was in the other chair, ruling lines in my new note book.

This conversation meandered around the girls ages, school preferences, locations and their families. I chimed in with a random, distracted comment of “I scored with her dad Once” My daughter started to laugh hysterically and I noted the Wry Smile on my Mr’s face The three of us started laughing as I fumbled trying to come up with a less ambiguous way of saying what I meant.

I corrected myself “I did bench duty, with her Dad”

I asked her, with good humour, to clarify what she thought ‘scoring with someone’ meant. She ducked her head and said with an embarrassed, self conscious voice” I’m not saying that to you guys!” We all laughed again. She is growing up. Melancholy, I remember being her age, quite clearly, though it seemed less complicated back then.

The Kids went to bed, the Mr made me a cup of Tea, I watched a feel good TV show, ruled more lines in my book, Did my night time routine and curled up in Bed.

Yesterday the sun shone, I learned some things, we laughed, we ate good food. I was able to pull myself back into the present, I was kind and gentle with myself.

Yesterday was not perfect, but it sure was a good day.

Invest in what you Value.

Invest in what you Value.

This is not a post about management of Finances, I’m here to remind you that money is not the only currency you possess!

Have you considered time, energy, emotion and mental space as forms of currency? I really believe these are things we could invest more wisely, for better returns on self love and general wellness.

Take a few minutes to think about what you Value, if this is not clear to you think about the things you look after well and/or take great care with, or the things that benefit you and you desire more of. Think in terms of what/who lights you up, what/who you look forward to, what/who supports you.

Over the last several years both consciously and organically I have been mindful of where I am investing these things, struggling most with emotion. I have some long held emotional investments that really don’t serve or benefit me in any way but I struggle to let them go. One in particular I’m trying to let go with Love, and while I am perplexed as to why the universe surfaced this one again, bringing it out of my Vault in the manner it did, I really just have to remember to be conscious that it is playing out the way its meant to and trust all will be revealed in perfect time.

Some of the things I Value and make a conscious effort to invest in are :-

  • Nature
  • Creativity
  • Silence
  • My Primary Relationships – Family
  • Learning
  • Gratitude
  • Honesty
  • Kindness

To make investing in these things possible I have chosen to let go of relationships with People who are negative and unpleasant to engage with; I’m working on habits that support the presence of these Valuable things in my life; I’m reducing Possessions – so many have left and there are many, many more yet to be released from my custody. While these are the things I am doing, its not a one size fits all scenario. Identifying what you Value and how you pay for it will help you, not only in deciding what to keep in your life but perhaps more importantly, assessing what you are willing to allow into your life.

Once what you value is clear you will probably start to look at things a bit differently.  Establishing what you Value will so beneficial for you as you work towards becoming centred and truly loving towards yourself. Invest in what you Value Friends and watch your investments grow bountiful, beautiful Blooms!

 

Addressing my inner critic

Addressing my inner critic

The Voice of My inner critic is much louder than usual today. So I’m having a chat with it.

OK little one I hear you! There are dishes to be done and laundry to be dealt with, these are fair cries. I’d like to point out to you that there are always dishes to be done and laundry to be dealt with, and while yes, there is a larger volume than I feel is appropriate these things are actionable items and I will direct my attention to them today, You don’t have to make such a fuss! I know action will calm you and I’ll get there.

Now what I really want to talk to you about is all this noise you are making, about me speaking from my heart with Courtney’s friends. I agree that was scary, standing in authentic space – spontaneously! We are not used to acting without preparation and I hear you more clearly than I’d like to, when you say I did a poor job.

Shout me down and tell me I failed all you want, I gently counter you with this … I have never done something like that before, it was my first time. Getting good at speaking from my heart and conveying my message verbally, with my voice, is something that will require practice. I don’t think your reaction is totally justified, its rooted in fear which is clouding your perception.

Little Critic of mine, It wasn’t my intention to irk you while I happily engaged with Creativity and I know you are upset that you can’t be the boss of me anymore. I’m sending in Love to sit with you and provide comfort, its her nature to nurture. She will wrap her expansive arms around you and stroke your hair, enveloping you in her warmth and softly lulling you.

I acknowledge you, little critic of mine. You still have a place in my hierarchy, but we both know its time for Love to be in Charge now.

Personal Gratitude Practice.

Personal Gratitude Practice.

I want to share with you that, consciously expressing gratitude, holds true value for me. I find something so very grounding in this reflective practice, its power is in opening your heart and helping you see that there is something good, even in the worst of days. If you can consciously cultivate a daily activity dedicated to the expression of gratitude, you will be actively contributing to your own feelings of happiness and general sense of well being.

I missed my daily gratitude practice, when the family sessions dissolved. So, I started to write things down before I fall asleep each night. I have a note book and pen by my Bed, mentally dubbed as my ‘Gratitude Journal’, its nothing fancy, a notebook from Office Works with a lovely postcard print of a friends sweet artwork attached.  It only takes a few minutes, as I sit on the bed and think about my day, for all the things I appreciated to come flooding out and onto a page.

So friends, expressing gratitude doesn’t have to take a lot of time and you don’t need any fancy tools. There is no right way, ideal time of the day or best way to do this. I went from verbal statements shared with family, to pen and paper dot points. Your best way might be something totally different and my best way will most certainly not always be this way. Hailey Bartholomew took 365 photos and launched 365grateful.com

365grateful.com from hailey bartholomew on Vimeo.

Haileys project inspired Lori Portka to paint 100 thank you’s, this story generates such joy for me.

Lori’s story – Gratitude Grows. from hailey bartholomew on Vimeo.

Google Search Gratitude projects and you will have no shortage of inspirational ideas and stories. I urge you to start this today, give it a try, If I can commit to a gratitude practice, you can establish one that works for you! Do it for 10 days and see how things change. x